Voxpop:My heart is an idol factory and needs an emergency shut-off switch

Voxpopnetwork.com

Reforming The Feminine

"If I had to sell the junk my heart has been producing this week, I would be bankrupt and starving. No matter how prettily I package it, how cleverly I market it, or how cheap the price, no one would want it.

For those of you that read my last post, My Family, My Idol, you read about the turbulent time I’ve been having since confronting my family about past sin. Going into those conversations, my heart was soft and God had brought me to a place of repentance and a genuine desire to speak His truth, offer grace and forgiveness to my family, and seek reconciliation. The past few months, however, of sitting in the mess of disappointment, re-wounding, and broken relationship has taken a toll on my heart.

I thought I was prepared for whatever response and outcome that God had planned for my family. And although I believe my heart was pure leading up to the conversations, it has hardened in the aftermath of my family’s response, which was nothing close to what I had hoped for. I wanted my family to experience what grace means and to accept my forgiveness. I wanted them to grieve over what happened and take responsibility for their part. And most of all, I wanted them to come to know and love Jesus.

None of that has happened and this week God revealed to me that my initial grace and forgiveness was not offered with God’s heart. I found myself taking it back and turning away in anger and pride. My desire for reconciliation and justice (as I have defined them) has taken precedence over everything else. Not only am I still struggling with the idol of worshipping my family by wanting “peace” at all costs, but I have also added the idol of a need for reconciliation on my terms.

The ugliness of my heart runs deep. After months of my forgiveness getting thrown back in my face, the conversations in the darkest places of my heart went something like this. “I’m offering grace, dammit. Take my freakin’ forgiveness. Screw that! Why should I be vulnerable in relationships when I’m just going to get hurt? Why give up control when I seem to manage just fine on my own?”

It’s ugly, I know."

-------------More...